Family Relationships Under Fire

Lessons from the Front Line

I sat glued to the news conference as three wounded soldiers - Marine Lance Corporal Joshua Menard, Army Staff Sergeant James Villafane, and Army Sergeant Charles Horgan - recounted their experiences of coming under fire from Iraqi troops in civilian dress at the city of Nassiriya. Villafane and Horgan told about being struck by an incoming missile.
As I watched, I, too, was struck...by the similarities between their experiences on the battlefield and those of stressed-out families, "under fire." Listen and learn from their experiences.

Lesson 1: DON'T BE CAUGHT OFF-GUARD; PREPARE. 
Menard said, "We were very surprised. We were told that when we were going through Nassiriya that we would see little to no resistance. They weren't rolling over like we thought they would."
Realistically anticipate and prepare for the inevitable challenges your family will face. "Prepare for the worst," while guarding the positive attitudes that "create the best."

Lesson 2: YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS CAN BE MISUNDERSTOOD. 
Villafane commented, "The amount of resistance, some of it I don't understand. I mean, we're there to help them to get them out of the regime. It was a shock that they would actually do that, given the treatment we try to give them. We try to treat them fairly."
Know this! You can be misunderstood by family members, even when you have the best of intentions and are trying your best. Parents, it takes courage to make wise, yet unpopular decisions.
On the other hand, "meaning well" can't substitute for "doing well." Check your actions, being willing to openly consider what it's like to be on the other side of you.

Lesson 3: DON'T MAKE MISTAKES ABOUT WHO YOUR ENEMY IS. 
A group of Iraqi soldiers dressed in the civilian robes of nomad Bedoins opened fire on Menard as he and six other Marines approached them on a bridge in Nassiriya. Military enemies, pretending to be harmless.
Even more appalling was the account of the American soldier who allegedly threw the grenade that killed and injured people in his own troop. Yet, we've lost our sensitivity to the shock of similar assaults in our own families...daily "grenades" of hurtful words and destructive actions.
"Out there", there are so many enemies to the wellbeing of family members. How can we hope to combat those if we spend our time fighting within our own ranks? What can you do today to mend family rifts?

Lesson 4: DON'T PANIC WHEN TROUBLES COME.
Sergeant Horgan told about how he worked to stay calm, though he had just been wounded by the enemy missile. He said that he was grateful that "training kicks in" and that he was able not to panic. "My foot may be gone, but I gotta move."
When you are faced with an unexpected and distressing challenge in your family, don't panic, reacting impulsively. Seek help if necessary. Don't say or do things that make the situation worse in the long run.
Stop...think...plan...then act.

Lesson 5: PROTECT YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS, NOT JUST YOURSELF.
The way these well-trained, courageous soldiers behaved under fire is, to me, the greatest of our lessons in family teamwork. Listen in, and examine your own habits and actions.

Horgan, whose right leg and foot were ripped open when he was blown from his gunning position, described his thoughts when he saw the incoming missile: "Oh, my God, I'm gonna die. I gotta warn my buddies."

Villafane quipped, "It's not being shot at that so bad. It's being shot that really sucks!" (Can you relate to that?) Despite the horror of what they had experienced, the three wounded men all said they felt a sense of guilt about leaving friends behind in Iraq. Horgan told reporters, "I'm relieved that I'm out... Nobody can be shot and say, 'Wow, I really want to go back out there. That was great.' But I'm kind of sad that I'm not with the guys who protected me. My friends protected me when I needed them. I joined to serve my country. But when I was there, I was fighting to protect my friends.

Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist who has worked with organizations across the globe for over 20 years. Her high-energy, high-content, high-involvement Magnetic Workplaces (r) programs provide dozens of practical strategies and skills that can be put to work immediately to:

1. build strong leaders who influence and develop others through serving;
2. energize, motivate, and retain team members;
3. successfully accomplish important organizational transitions; and
4. impress customers and build their loyalty

Talking With Elderly Parents

Delivering unpleasant news is never pleasant, and especially if you're talking with someone whom you love and care for...like your parents. Plus, it's awkward because the roles are reversed and you find yourself "being the parent".

1. Spend some time preparing for your talk with parents about changes that have become necessary...the fact that it is no longer safe for them to drive, the necessity of help in managing their finances, an impending move to either an assisted living facility or a nursing home. Think through the question, "What will this mean to them? What will they perceive that they are losing?" For instance, when you are preparing to assist in a move to an assisted living facility or a nursing home, anticipate the resistance that will come from their belief that they are losing such things as independence, contact with familiar surroundings, contact with family members.
2. Plan to retain or replace as many of the material things or emotional losses as possible. For instance, explore ways to give as much independence as possible. In cases of physical moves, surround them with family pictures, treasured items, their own furniture when possible.
3. In your initial conversations, help them understand the purpose of the changes you are proposing. Give factual examples of incidents that indicate changes are needed. For example, "When you were driving to the grocery store Monday, I watched as you pulled out into the street in front of a car. The car swerved and, thankfully, you did not wreck. I've observed this kind of thing several times."
4. Preserve dignity and self esteem as much as possible. Point out the things they can do. Normalize the fact that response times for everyone get slower as the years creep by. Recount the many times when you were growing up that your parents gave you extra help when you needed it, and affirm that they have well earned a little extra assistance from you.
5. Meet objections calmly, verbally "reflecting" the feelings they are expressing. You might say something like, "I realize that it will be hard to have me balancing your checkbook and paying your bills. You've always done that, and have taken pride in doing it well. I can understand how you might feel angry about my saying that you need some assistance with that."
6. Don't expect their immediate buy-in to the change. This takes time, and much of the adjustment to the change comes after it is made. Sometimes, when you've determined the change is necessary and you've tried over time to compassionately introduce the change to them, you have to "just do it".
7. Give yourself compassion, too. Expect a myriad of emotions...such as guilt, grief, or anger. These are normal. When you've tried to do the right thing, when you've worked at being caring as you share unwelcome news with your parents... be kind to yourself. Realize that sometimes, in order to be loving and do what is best for those you love, you must do tough things. Encourage yourself as you would a friend... "You're doing the best you can do, under the circumstances."

Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist who has worked with organizations across the globe for over 20 years. Her high-energy, high-content, high-involvement Magnetic Workplaces (r) programs provide dozens of practical strategies and skills that can be put to work immediately to:

1. build strong leaders who influence and develop others through serving;
2. energize, motivate, and retain team members;
3. successfully accomplish important organizational transitions; and
4. impress customers and build their loyalty.

What A Dad-To-Be Can Do In Planning A Baby Shower For The Baby Boy

During the last few weeks of the mother's pregnancy, the excited parents can now be sure of the child's gender. Therefore, the gender of the baby is now one of the main considerations in planning the baby shower. In baby shower planning, once the baby's gender is determined, it is indeed a good idea to have a baby boy or baby girl-based theme. This is to have an ease of selection of the needed things for the party such as venue decorations, party favors, games and activities and foods.

Considering a baby boy-based theme, one of the best things that the father-to-be can do is to take the overall charge of planning the details. This is a good way for him to show support to his wife especially during the times when she is about to give birth for the first time. If he does not have the skill and knowledge in this area, he can ask the help of friends and relatives to make contributions in the planning or check the internet for the essentials.

As the planner, the dad-to-be must be able to finalize the preferred date and time of the party as well as the estimated number attendees. Then, choosing the venue and the most suitable baby boy theme must also be done ahead of time. Ideal themes for boys are superhero theme, jungle theme, pirates theme, outer space theme, and soldiers theme. After finalizing these decisions, the next step is to make and distribute the invitation for the event. The invitation for the shower party must be matched with the chosen theme. Usually, the color of the paper for the invitation is blue, red, or dark green. All the necessary details about the party such as the event schedule, venue and theme should be indicated in the invitation. Then, the invitations should be sent at least six weeks before the chosen date of the event so that there will be enough time for the first-time dad to iron all the details in the baby shower.

The father-to-be must also give attention to the foods and drinks that will be served in the baby shower. Then, the decorations for the venue must be prepared. They must be in accordance with the selected theme. With regards to the baby shower party favors, the best choices include prince's crown, plastic swords and armor, blue towel cakes and baby block candles. Choosing the party favor is one of the important parts of baby shower planning that requires sufficient time and patience to have the most remarkable party favor for guests.

Moreover, another important part of the baby shower that urgently needs the involvement of the dad-to-be is the games and other activities that will bring quality entertainment to the guests and to the first-time mom. Apart from all of these, the dad-to-be also has to focus on other minor details of the baby shower planning to deliver a memorable event for the mom-to-be and the guests.

How to Have a Long Distance Baby Shower

A long distance baby shower is a great idea when the mom-to-be lives far away and is unable to attend. Very often, close friends and dearest ones have to relocate, making party organization and spending time together difficult.

The long distance baby shower is a bit more unusual than the traditional one. Still, technologies can be used to establish connections and guests will be having fun.

Being the hostess of a long distance baby shower signifies considering certain aspects of the party in advance. You will have to get organized and you will have to do some coordination across a long distance but you are certain to enjoy the process.

Should You Hold a Long Distance Baby Shower?

A long distance baby shower needs to be held, whenever the mom-to-be is separated from her dearest friends or is unable to currently travel.

Even if she lives far away, the mom-to-be will need specific products and items. Friends can get those and attend a party dedicated to the new mom and her child. A baby shower is the symbol of respect, love and friendship.

Organizing a long distance baby shower could be more demanding. You need to have some patience and you will certainly organize a great party that will make the mom-to-be happy.

Invitation Specifics

Invitations for a long distance baby shower are no different than the traditional ones. The aim of the invite is to provide guests with essential information and to mention what the party theme is going to be.

Your invitations should mention the fact that the mom-to-be will be unable to attend. If you forget making a note about it, you will be misleading guests and you will get many people disappointed.

The invitation should also contain some guidelines and directions about the most appropriate types of gifts. Think carefully about this aspect, since shipping large items could be expensive and complex.

Use Technologies

Internet has given you new and wonderful ways to communicate with people from other countries and continents. Harness its potential and give the mom-to-be a chance to 'attend' her baby-shower.

Messaging programs have a video chat option that will be the best tool you can use. Get the mom-to-be sitting in front of her computer and provide guests of the party with a chance to talk to her and to wish her all the best.

Activities and Questions

Internet can be used to give guests a chance to have fun together with the mom-to-be. Games and quizzes are to diversify the agenda and help everyone break the ice.

One of the best activities for a long distance baby shower is a trivia quiz. Ask some questions about the mom-to-be and get her to confirm the right answers. She could even be the person asking the questions.

Make sure that you have enough information, especially if you are incapable of establishing a web connection. Know how the mom-to-be feels and all the details about her pregnancy. People will be asking you questions. Make sure you know the answers.

Shipping Gifts

Once the party is over, you will be shipping the gifts. This is the final part of a long distance baby shower.

Pack everything and make sure that all of the items are secured and labeled. Each present needs to have a card, mentioning who the gift-giver is.

Baby Shower Gifts - The Best and the Worst

Awesome baby shower gifts can easily become awful baby shower gifts if you do not exercise some common sense while buying these gifts. You may not have a baby of your own but that's no excuse to give Junior something terrible.

Top 5 baby shower gifts:

Baby bedding: Besides being immensely useful, baby bedding is pretty and fun. These are available in a variety of attractive colors and are available in the best materials. Pastel sheets filled with the most attractive designs not only keep parents and child happy, but look like a dream too. Soft baby blankets keep the baby warm and look so good that you may want to buy more than one!

Baby bath kit: Fun and functional - that is the way to give baby shower gifts that are loved by parents as well as babies. The baby bath kit could include all the essentials like a bath tub, shampoo, soaps, washcloth, fluffy towels and moisturizer. You could even include a nice little toy like a bright yellow duck that floats in water!

Baby toys: Looking after a baby is a full time job. It takes a lot of effort because the baby craves constant attention. However, babies are bright young things and their attention is easily riveted to attractive toys.Infant bouncy seats are a great way to keep the child engaged when mom is busy in the kitchen. Similarly, an activity gym consists of a number of toys suspended from bars. These dangle within the baby's grasp and encourage the infant to develop his motor skills and eyesight.

Baby sling/carrier: Children like to be in the middle of the action, except when they are sleeping. One of the easiest ways in which new moms can keep baby happy while getting their work done is a child sling. The sling keeps the children warmly tucked to the mom, leaving the mother's hands free to do whatever chore she wants. Baby carriers are also a thoughtful gift for these allow parents to go out with the child comfortably tucked into a carrier.

Baby gift baskets: Theme-oriented and practical, baby gift baskets are a great way of gifting something exuberant. You need not limit yourself to any one item. Also, gift baskets are available in a wide range of prices. Baby shower gift baskets are practical and unique. They are easy to find and many encompass a wide variety of themes.

Worst baby shower gifts:

Inner wear for the newborn: When the baby is just a few days old, he or she is not going to wear inner wear and these tiny pieces of clothing become too small by the time the baby is finally ready to wear them.

High heels: Some people like to take infant fashion to the limits. Baby high heel shoes may be soft but they give all the wrong messages, and when the child is finally ready to stand up, heels are a potential danger too.

Wipe warmer: Yes, small toddlers do not like the cold. But it is possible to warm baby wipes by simply holding them in your palms. An electric device for this purpose is nothing short of a monstrosity.

Baby Shower Games For Entertainment And Bonding

There are a wide variety of baby shower games that one can choose from that can effectively heat up and excite the aura in the event. However, it is very important to choose games that are safe not only for the guests, but most especially, to the new mom-to-be.

An example of safe but exciting baby shower games is 'Finding the Baby's Treasure Game.' With this game, the venue should be decorated with various baby items such as diapers, large and decorated safety pins, pacifiers, baby dress and baby stroller. Several of these items are scattered within the area but only one complete set has a special mark indicating that it belongs to the baby's treasures. The instructions will not be announced until sometime near the end of the program. As the emcee declared, those who submitted the right items first will win the prize.

Another fun and exciting game for baby showers is the 'Guess the Baby Food Game' where contestants will take time to taste each baby foods that are placed in an unlabeled jar. Each contestant will then name the baby food tasted and for every correct answer, one point will be gained. When all the baby foods have been tasted and guessed right, the top three players having the highest scores win the special prize. Organizers can also think of some twists in this game to make it more exciting.

There are also some unique baby shower games that can bring quality entertainment to the guests as well as for the first-time parents-to-be. One of these is the 'Pin the Sperm on the Egg Game.' This game is similar to the 'Pin the Horse's Tail Game.' But to make it more "adult-friendly," it uses a model of an egg cell instead of a horse and sperm cell models in place of the tails. Similar to the children's game, each contestant falls in line, holds a sperm cell model and waits for their turn to pin it to the egg cell model in the board. Then, those that successfully pinned the sperm cell in inside the egg cell are the as winners.

Guessing games and riddles are also fun games to play during the event. It can be done in a quiz show format and can be joined by guests. To make it more fun, the questions may range from those that have connection on the parents-to-be. In fact, many baby shower games are based on guessing trivia and other things related to babies as well as to the story of the first-time parents celebrating one of the biggest turning point in their lives. Also, singing and dancing competitions can be included in the program so that the event will have more fun and quality entertainment.

Looking for Really Cute Baby Shower Gift Ideas?

A baby shower can be a relaxing time for families and friends to get together and celebrate the impending birth of a new baby. While at times the planning of a shower can be stressful, with careful planning and plenty of assistance, everything should turn out smoothly.

One fun aspect of a baby showers is the opening of the gifts. There are a number of gifts that can be given that are centered towards the mother more than the baby. This is perfectly natural and accepted because the mother will definitely need some pampering and some help when it comes to the big day. Your baby shower gifts can be reflective of the moment at hand or simply a practical item that will be in great need, such as diapers or bottles.

Personalized gifts for girls are societally geared in the color pink. This is not a requirement so much anymore as gender roles are being blurred. It is best to get the plans from the mother as to what colors she wants to have for the baby. These personalized gifts for girls can range from lighter colored stuffed animals and female cartoon character based designs. Other personalized gifts for girls can even come in the form of a hand made quilt with the baby's name on it.

Personalized gifts for boys are similar in that they are no longer limited to being just blue. It is not entirely gearing towards "masculine" occupations or sports either. This is also generally a choice of the mother (or father) so you should take into account the design of the nursery. Hand crafted items are going to be more appreciated compared to store bought items. Personalized gifts for boys are going to be quite similar in that you could make up a quilt with the boy's name stitched on it.

Gender neutral gifts are the exception since so many parents are choosing to know the gender of their baby before it is born. Color is not as big of an issue with a gender neutral gift. Greens, whites and browns tend to be good choices as they convey a sense of security to anyone who sees the baby's room to dote on your new baby after he or she is born.

Whatever you decide to gift to the family, whether its geared toward the mother or baby, as long as it's given with love, she'll appreciate your effort.