A woman often enters the stepfamily experience with stars in her eyes. Wrapped in a cloud of love and optimism she confidently floats down the aisle, smiling serenely at the cute little step-angel flower-girls who are absolutely adorable clad in their frilly attire and happily strewing orange blossoms onto the wedding path. A perfect day - hallelujah choruses soaring - heaven on earth! Right? Absolutely...until...the following morning when the very same little step-angels barge into the honeymoon suite, loudly arguing over who will be the first to crawl into bed with daddy, and she realises that this was not exactly what she'd had in mind for her first morning of wedded bliss. Surely this couldn't happen to you, right? Well, if you intend to become a stepmother it just might!
To minimise the potential of such a rude awakening the number one suggestion I have for any prospective stepmum is: Look before you leap! Get to know your partner inside-out and spend as much time as possible with him when he is in the company of his kids. Then, be brave, put your emotions aside and take a good, hard look at reality. How much do you REALLY want to have his children in your life? Remember, if you marry this man, his children and everyone connected with them will also become a part of YOUR future!
Here are some questions to ask yourself that once answered, will help you make an informed decision:
- How does the love of your life behave when his children are with him? Do you still feel like you are an important person in his world or does he turn into an over-indulgent stranger? Who calls the shots - him or the kids?
- Does he have a civil relationship with his ex, or are they in constant conflict? How are they fighting their battles? Are their disagreements played out through their children?
- Has he worked through the failure of his first marriage or is he still angry or bitter? Does it seem as though he carries a great sense of loss, resentment or guilt?
- How does he feel about the possibility of having more children? Does he embrace the idea, or does he tell you that the number of kids he has already are more than enough?
- Does he have the financial wherewithal required to support an expansion of your family, should this be on you agenda? Will your income be needed to support his former family as well as the current one?
- What are his expectations of you? Does he want you to become a surrogate mother to his children - someone to deal with all the mothering challenges but with none of the mothering rights?
- How do you envisage your life 5 years from now? Can you see yourself being happy given the restrictions, sacrifices, challenges and complexities that marrying a man with baggage will bring?
If you have positive answers to these questions, you stand a fair chance of not falling victim to the 60% second-marriage divorce rate. If you do not, you'd be well advised to rethink your relationship intentions. All of you - your partner, his children and you - deserve only the best. If partnering means that either of you needs to make massive sacrifices, the potential for this to cause insurmountable conflict and resentment is too great for a happy outcome. You only live once. Look before you leap!
Sonja Ridden has conducted a private Counselling/Psychotherapy and Coaching practice, located on Sydney's North Shore, for the past 16 years. She is the author of "Hell...p, I'm A Stepmother" as well as numerous other stepfamily publications. She developed and maintained TheStepStop, Australia's 'First Stop For Stepfamily Information' - an interactive web-service for step-and blended families - and has made numerous public speaking and media appearances for the purpose of creating greater public awareness and understanding of the complexities and challenges faced by step-and blended families.
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